Whilst spending a little too long having a poo today, I was left wondering what would happen if Lara Croft entered The Apprentice.
Those familiar with Lara will be asking, ‘Surely Lara has a vast wealth, just look at her mansion and array of weaponry. She doesn’t need this competition. While we are on it, she shows absolutely no business sense, how did she even get through to the final twelve?’
To the doubters that refuse to suspend their disbelief I would simply scream NERD into their vacant faces until they final realised they had better things to do. Whilst on the inside I would know that Lara deeply admired the forward thinking Amstrad and longed to videophone with her loved ones whilst running a tidy trade in tiger fur.
CUE THE APPRENTICE MUSIC
Week One: The make some food task.
Lara silently watches her competitors making sausage whilst working hard and occasionally in slow motion.
In the boardroom Nick looks longingly at Lara, applauds her hard work and attempts to talk about being a team player but starts choking on his own drool. Karen Brady is slowly building contempt for Lara.
Week 2: The sell useless crap in the street task.
Lara, dressed in her usual figure hugging outfit and short shorts manages to sell more hula dancing robots to tourists than any one else. The female contestants have all stopped talking to her. The males will do whatever she says.
In the board room Lord Sugar hugs Lara, Nick runs to do the same but trips up on the way. Karen is seen whittling a large stick into a sharp point.
Week 3: The sell a thing to another business but it actually makes no sense as you have no infrastructure behind the thing you are selling so you might as well go in to the meeting and shit on each others faces for all the good it will do.
Lara has no idea what she is doing this week, rumours that the Long Lost Cat of Babaganoosh is residing in the Tower of London have reached her ears and she spends the meeting staring at the window wondering if she could break through, shimmy to the ceiling and then zip wire to the next building whilst shooting whatever enemies inevitably appear. Lara doesn’t make it to the boardroom.
Week 4: The advertising task
Lara has not been seen in a week. Team Wilderness and Team Epiphany both centre their advertising campaigns around a beautiful woman in short shorts.
They are advertising flu vaccinations in Africa.
In the boardroom Lara crashes through the ceiling wrestling a dinosaur, Lord Sugar smiles with delight.
Week 5: The go out and buy a thing to then sell task, Lara has requested that this takes place on ‘the boat level.’
As the ship rocks on a turbulent ocean and enemy fire whistles overhead the candidates find themselves buying crack cocaine from the crew to sell to the soldiers on board. Four candidates are killed, Lord Sugar calls them fools whilst Karen crawls under the table, knife between her teeth. Lara, being on the winning team leaves the board room before Karen makes her attack.
Week 6: The go to a country where you don’t know the language, culture or customs and buy some stuff even though in a real business you would have at least a translator with you and the option of using Google to get what you need task.
The candidates are sent to Tibet. Lara knows Tibet well. She completes the challenge in record time and discovers The Hidden Temple of Kuzco which held the next piece of the never ending puzzle that is the Croft family mystery.
In the boardroom Nick has decided to get a new haircut and wear the latest collection from Liberty. Lara doesn’t notice. The remaining candidates decide they have no hope against Lara so walk out to find a quieter life.
Karen sees this as her opening to attack and leaps forward. Lord Sugar knows this is the chance to bring his plans to fruition and pulls the hidden leaver on his chair, releasing mud from the ceiling. Lara and Karen are covered in wet, sexy filth as they wrestle to the ground tearing at each others clothes in a terrible fight to the death. Lightening flashes from over head, Karen kicks Lara in the gut and then directly in the face. Lara manages to bite the incoming foot causing Karen to fall to the ground and Lord Sugar to squeal with pleasure. They both scramble towards the gun Lord Sugar has left just out of reach. Karen’s fingers touch the cold metal, but Lara uses her final ounce of strength to leap forward and grab the gun. Without pause she shoots Karen in the face three times, falls to her knees and lets out a roar of triumph.
And that is how Lara Croft would win The Apprentice.