My advice on how to break up with someone

Relationships can be tough, when they get too tough the only solution is to cut your losses and run. There is no need for this whole ‘working through it’ or ‘lets get some counselling.’ Heed my words, get the fuck out of there.

To make things easier you must get it out of your head that out there there is a soul mate just for you. A single soul in all the millions that will combine with you and make you a whole person. This is not the case. The chances are rather high that you will die alone. Also, you are probably a bit of a dick and there is no one out there who will make you into an acceptable human being.

With this in mind, it should make it slightly easier to dismiss any happiness this human may have given you as a wonderful fluke and it is more than likely there are other lovely people out there that will make you happy as you slowly eat away at their soul.

So, my wise advice is as follows:

  • Shoot them. Think of your former lover as a mindless zombie and aim the shot directly for the brain.
  • Check their wallet for any cash and if you know any of their PIN numbers, those cards are ripe for the picking too.
  • If you are anything like me, then you are a narcissist and will exclusively date people that look like you (we all have that twin fantasy, don’t deny it.) This will allow you to take their passport and run. A continent and identity change between you and the lifeless corpse should do the trick.
  • Repeat.

No need to thank me.

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