Blackett the Bard

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“HOLY MOTHER FUCKING CHRIST WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO YOUR LEGS SIMONE?”

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He slapped Simone hard across the face.

“WAKE UP!”

Simone wiped the drool and blood from her mouth, “what? darling? can you please switch that alarm off ? there you go, sleeping now, bye.”

He slammed his hand down on the alarm,  “BUT YOUR FUCKING LEGS?!”

Simone turned to her lover, well she tried to, her legs didn’t move the way she expected. They felt stiff, harder than usual.

“Jean, what’s happened? I’m scared to look.’ Panic started to rise in her voice, a cold sweat covering her brow.

“I’m scared too. But let’s be brave.”

He started to move the bed sheets away from their bodies. A stunned silence filled the room at what was revealed.

Where once there had been soft pink flesh, now there were primary coloured blocks making a mockery of the human form. Simone had been cursed with LEGO legs.

“What the crap? How did this? HOW DID YOU DO THIS TO ME?”

Simone lurched towards the naked man beside her, hands aimed at his throat.

“I will fucking kill you.”

Jean avoided her attack with ease (as his anatomy had not been replaced with a popular construction toy) and slammed a book against her face in an attempt to calm her down. As he felt her nose break against the weight of the heavy tome he remembered how sexy she looked when she read. To make sure she was definitely out cold he hit her again.

He had no idea what to do, but the solution had to be outside the apartment. He needed to look his best so pulled on his favourite jumper and waxed his facial hair in the style of his idol, Gary Oldman. Jean felt confident, ready to face the world and discover what had happened whilst they were sleeping.

“Don’t worry my love! I will find help.” He yelled as he flounced out the front door slamming it behind him. Simone continued to bleed heavily from her nose, mouth and a worrying scalp wound.

The streets of Paris are considered the most beautiful at the time of year that this story occurred. Jean looked around at all the stunning sights and there were many, far too many to talk about here.

After a short stop for a breakfast of toast and coffee (it had been a stressful morning) Jean put his thinking cap on.

“Hmmmmm I wonder if our best friend and former lover, dark magician and alchemist Mini Fig knows how to solve this little problem. I should go see him.” He said to no one.

After a five hour train journey and a short break in Amsterdam, Jean finally made it to the home of Mini Fig.

“Mini Fig, I’m desperate! I need your help! It’s urgent.”

“My dear Jean” he drawled “what ever troubles you? Come in, come in. I am just finishing my accordion recital.”

“It’s Simone! She’s….”

“Let me stop you there.

I popped next door to for a glass of wine the other day and found the young lady in such a tizz. Thankfully I was there to slap her to calm things down. After falling asleep, which I found very rude, she finally told me about her legs. Which of course I already knew as I had cast the spell.

I have now rebuilt her legs into a dodecahedron so she can never escape.”

“But Mini Fig I thought you loved me?”

“I don’t”

“But what about that time?”

“I don’t know what you are talking about.”

“Oh.”

“Please leave.”

“Bye.”

“Goodbye Jean.”

The end

 

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One Response to Blackett the Bard

  1. romanysue says:

    BRAVO! Crack fic at it’s finest.

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