So reviews for the new Hurts album have started to roll/trickle/appear (delete as you desire, or not, choice is all yours and my god you are a decision maker. Remember that time when me and you went to the shops and we were going to get Great Aunt Suzie her final meal and we didn’t know what to get and you were all like ‘CHICKEN TIKKA’ and she loved it or that time when were in the crowd and Pontius Pilot asked something, we weren’t really listening, and you cheered and then we got hammered and shagged that donkey. All. Good Decisions. Well done you!) on-line. The general consensus is that it’s not the greatest, cancel your pre-orders, spend your pennies elsewhere. Obviously this is very sad news for everyone that loved album one, so lets all have a look at other things that were a little bit shit the second time.
1. Joey, Green Green Grass, Saved By The Bell: The New Class and various other lame spin-off’s.
It always seems like a good idea at the time. Wowsers we all think, I would love to catch up with character X, I bet they are up to some magnificent adventures without the help of their co-stars. The co-stars that truly made the original series what it was whilst you, YOU, you lame little shit, you were nothing! STOP GETTING ABOVE YOUR STATION JOEY! I thought we all learned from Lost in Space that you aren’t a leading man, STOP THINKING YOU ARE AND TARNISHING THE MORE HOMOPHOBIC THAN YOU REMEMBER F.R.I.E.N.D.S
2. Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie
What a bastardisation! The Power Rangers were once incredible, remember how they controlled ancient dinosaurs or rode mythical creatures? Well here they are reduced to zooming about in some poxy cars, who really gives a fuck about cars? NO ONE! Which is the worst Pixar film? Cars. What killed Diana? A CAR. Where did you lose your virginity in a sweaty and regrettable mess? That’s right, the back seat of a fucking car.
Then the blue ranger, once the brains of the operation has become a child that magically grows into adult size when morphing, this can fuck right off*.
3. The second child
When the first child arrives the air is filled with ooo’s and ahhhh’s as the child learns to smile, walk, talk and then adults look at each other smugly and think ‘We, like God, have created life.’ For the second child, ummmmmm notsomuch. But that’s OK because child two gets to keep that anger and resentment for not being loved so much and thrust it deep into their stomach where it becomes a hard boiled blob of mucus until finally, one day, something cracks and finally I get my….
4. The second cancer scare
All you need to do is count up all the column inches Anastacia has clocked up this time.
The first time is awful and must take a whole bugger ton of strength to get through, to be told you have to do it all over again is all levels of grim that no one should go through, except Shia Labeouf obv.
5. The second scoop of a dessert you really liked but then turns out you were too full for so you feel a bit sick.
This is first of all true, second, everyone prefers a sweet kooky end to a list rather than being reminded that one day their body will turn on them and find new and horrific ways to try and end their days.