Being Human

Tonight Being Human comes to an end and across the nation many sit with their fingers crossed that as the credits roll it will be announced that Tom will have his very own spin-off show, ‘Tom does sex education classes for nudist colonies.’

Through my tears I’m left wondering what I enjoy most about being human, not the show, but actually being a human(see what I did there?) Lets have a look shall we?

1. Religion


I bloody love how arrogant humans are.

We couldn’t possibly be here by some crazy random happenstance, it has to be, it must be because some divine wonderful being from the great beyond decided that he was in dire need of a bunch of people that can create shoe laces and wedding songs. I love that some of us can look around at what is a pretty niffty world and go, ‘ummmm this is great and all but wouldn’t it be better with added clouds and winged people with harps?’ Then these folk have the absolute arrogance to pop off and tell everyone else how they should lead their lives because things had been going so swell for them.

Bloody amazing.

Just imagine if elephants dandered about the Serengeti doing this, with Louis Theroux visiting The West Baptist Watering-hole.

How this connects to Being Human – Being Human possibly mentioned religion at one stage, I’m not sure.

2.Boobs, bums, willies (and for some people, feet, armpits, nipples and for those among us that are intellectually stimulated, the brain.)


Sex is brilliant! We pop out of our mothers foof with a body built with its own entertainment system of things to twist, pull, lick and enjoy. Imagine if sex didn’t exist and we had to procreate through eating each others poo or licking eye balls, the human race would be doomed. I say we teach kids how to take full advantage of their bodies and how good a really long wanking session feels. Crime rates would drop dramatically as everyone realised that the pleasure moment is hella better than stabbing strangers in the gut with their mums bread knife.

Now whilst we are on sex and the body. I also love how we are all ‘ewwww that’s gross’ when it comes to human adults drinking human boob milk but are all ‘yum yum give me lashings of that’ when it comes to cow boob milk made for baby cows.

How this connects to Being Human – I want to have sex with most of the cast

3. Shoes


Even with the inbuilt entertainment centre the human body is a bit lame. Get us too cold and we freeze, get us too hot and I can only assume we spontaneously combust. We can’t walk on sharp things or our skin pops open and we can’t walk on smooth things or we slip and slide all over the shop. So what do humans do? Do we crawl about on all fours? Do we attempt rolling about the place as the best way of getting round? No we bloody well do not! We want to walk on two legs and by god we will do it! So we build shoes to wrap our feet in so we don’t get totally fucked over on pretty much any surface. We love shoes so much that when we decided to rule all the creature on this Earth and make horses our bitch we decided they could do with having shoesies too.

How this connects to Being Human – I assume at some point someone wore shoes, I wasn’t really paying attention.


Without stories we are all just eating machines with shoes

Without stories we are all just eating machines with shoes

We talk some absolute shit to one another. We write down make believe worlds, do doodles of them, or capture other humans on film acting them out and then others spend hours consuming these worlds of fiction. Sit down right now, look at your day, how many stories did you read or make up. How much of it was true or enriched your life? How much would you have forgotten if you hadn’t taken the time to think about it? Why do we do it? To be honest I don’t care, it feels good so we should never stop.

How this connects to Being Human – I think the show is loosely based on a story.

5. Bread

Brickhouse Bread 014

Who was the mental case that decided to make bread, I feel he (I suppose we shouldn’t be sexist here, it could be a lady, but name me a famous female chef? Anyone? No?) really needs a round of applause or a global day when we all load up on carbs. What kind of witchcraft did he feel he was up to when he looked at flour, yeast, salt and congealed milk, decided to dig his hands in and then heat for an hour at 220C (gas mark 7) for an hour?

How this connects to Being Human – I think the cast are made of bread, or might have looked at bread once.

It’s the endless creativity of humans which makes us fucking marvellous, we see a problem or create one then spend endless hours trying to solve it.

What do you enjoy about being human?

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