Duncers, you don’t even need £53

As the internet knows, for some reasons or another, Iain Duncan Smith decided to boast to the world that he could live on £53 a week, bully for him, round of applause etc etc.

As I’m full of the Easter spirit I thought it would be lovely to pull together some wonderful ways Iain (may the lord shine upon you Iain) could save some pennies if he ever decided to show the pov. class how it’s done, right chaps?

The main key for survival is condoms. You can get them free from clinics, gay bars and for those that love vintage wear you can pop into the sewers and get some pre loved. Army soldier types are given unlubed condoms, not cus they love the challenge of doing it dry but for the multi use joy bringers they can be. Hang a couple of these bad boys outside your window, watch as they gobble up rainwater and by Jove you don’t need to worry about a pesky water bill. Also, if Iain manages to crack onto a lady (or man, we just don’t know, love is for everyone) a roll in the sack is wonderful exercise minus the gym fee.

On this £53 Iain will have to feed himself. But why spend money on food stuffs that have been pre caught by Mr. Tesco or Mrs. Asda when Jesus has actually, literally left food growing on trees? Of course this may involve a smidge of stealing but I think we can hope that a blind eye is turned after all ‘we’re all in this together ….. once we know that we are, we’re all stars and we see that..’ Then there are the flying and walking food providers of this earth, the Torz were all about hunting foxes, well guys it’s time to whip out your bow and arrow and get all Katniss on their asses.

Another must have for those that enjoy employment or being around the human race is transport. Say for funsies Iain is living in a home in zone 4 but must get to his job in zone 1 that will cost him the grand sum of £43.60 per week leaving only £10 to go towards heating, tv licence, council tax, line rental and internet. Guys guys, internet is no longer a luxury it’s a must have expense for people supported by benefits as all claims must be completed on the t’interclick. What is a man to do then? Well walking is the only solution. That Chaucer dude and someone named Tolkein did a swell job of creating a fortune by writing about people on walks, so potential new employment is a mega plus, it means an extra use for the must have computer in the home and the possibility of becoming super sexy with even more exercise. win win win.

How about clothing? With heating bills needing to be kept to a minimum (winter is fun dudes, huggle up, snuggle up, nice and tight USE CONDOMS) clothing becomes something of a necessity. As money is lacking there is nothing left over for personal grooming, but come on guys, it’s silver lining time. No beauty regime + excess body hair = niffty wool substitute and a swanky new set of clothing.

Iain if you are reading (and why wouldn’t you be?) I have a ton more words of wisdom so please feel free to get in touch.

 

 

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