We all have words or phrases pop up in conversation which make us wizz and burr into robotic life to tell the same well rehearsed tale over and over again.
‘David your accent’
‘Oh my accent, well I was born in Durham, then moved to Northern Ireland when I was a teenager and blah blah blah blah.’
Welcome to The Rings Of Akhaten, the Doctor Who equivalent, a colour by numbers first companion adventure. We open on a rather lovely montage of The Doctor feeling a little left out of the operation Yew Tree party and a B story about a leaf bringing the Clara makers together. The Clara semen provider makes some speech about how unique and wonderful this leaf is. Future Clara hears this and proceeds to self harm in the knowledge that Daddy can never really love her and her multiple persona ways.
Holy Christ! How has iTunes managed to launch and put it’s colourful pattern thingy on without me noticing? No wait, it’s just the opening titles. Oh Matt you look so sexy behind a gas cloud.
First adventure Clara, where should we go? You’re from London, lets do something truly new and different. TARDIS doors open on a giant market filled with a enough potential new action figures to fund Doctor Who for 10 years. Overwhelmed by disappointment and applause from Character Options, Clara decides to take all she’s learned from the Doctor and stalks a small girl.
‘Come into my box, isn’t it pretty?’
‘No Clara, I just want to sing’
‘SINGING DOES NOT PUT FOOD ON THE TABLE, SINGING DOES PAY THE BILLS’
Suranne Jones decides that she much preferred the sultry pout of Amy rather than the overwhelming joy of Clara and refuses to let the troubled pair into the TARDIS. Once Clara and little girl (Merry is her name fact fans) are sent on their way the TARDIS moves into a deep dark corner not to be found until the action is over.
‘You can do it little white girl.’ The crowd shout as Merry sings some song or another for no particular reason. Under the judgemental eye of Clara she fails a note, Clara looks disgusted and throws a shoe which accidentally knock Merry over to the adjacent pyramid planet that everyone is making such a fuss about.
Suranne Jones giggles as Clara hands over a ring in trade for a ride on 74-Z speeder bike so they can visit the dried up husk of Cher which Eric Saade managed to trap inside a glass cage during the dark Eurovsion war of 2011. The Doctor then wafts his magic wand about and solves everything.
But oh no she didn’t and Cher isn’t the naughty this time, it’s the sun itself which needs to gobble up souls, or stories, or both. No one really knows, but The Doctor sees this as his chance to do another monologue and try and get some of the limelight of the little singing girl.
‘Did you mention stories? [whizz, bzzzzz] I’m a Time Lord, I caused mass genocide’ – yeah yeah we’ve heard it all before.
After the sun gobbled down on The Doctor (does this mean we will have a senile Doctor? ) it just wasn’t enough and super smart Clara has to step in with her LEAF OF POTENTIAL. The sun so confused by what is happening implodes and everyone applauds until they realise that they no longer have light, heat or gravity. The Doctor and Clara slink off slightly embarrased but ready for their next adventure in space and time.
Doctor Who does Aliens….again.
Find out what happened last week in the Bell’s of Saint John.