In the the dark countryside a lone man walks towards a castle on the hill. Through forests of howling wolves he travels as lightening cracks the sky in two. His fear can’t overwhelm him, his grand mission is all that’s important, a letter must be delivered.
A loud thud on the door mat disturbs the mad writer from his rest by the fire. He stands, stretches and plods towards the strange package that has intruded his home. He gingerly opens it, wary of the child like scrawl and circled across its blue paper. The letter inside read:
Ummmm so I made a few rubbish decisions and relegated the Cybermen to the role of extras. But I know you have the power to do something new and wonderful with them. This has nothing to do with my desire to get people talking about Who again before the season finale, so, d’ya mind coming back?
Hugs and kisses
Grand Overlord Moffat
P.S. be a love and not try so hard with this episode, we all saw what happened last time, it’s not nice to overshadow the boss. Cheers.
The episode opens with The Doctor, Clara and two of the most miserable children on the planet looking unimpressed at a replica of the moon.
Side note – how terrifying must their father be if all it takes is a not-at-all tacked on to the end of last week threat of ‘we’re going to tell Dad that we found pictures of you online’ and before you can say jeronimo you are hitching a ride on board the TARDIS? What secret history does this man have? What does he have against time travel? He beats them, he must do! Is that racist? After Journey to the Centre of the TARDIS, lets just assume everything in Who is a little bit racist.
‘What the fuck is this? Why is the moon so dirty? I hate you and everything! You aren’t my real mum.’ Girl child says whilst looking for somewhere to do knife crime. Clara runs off screaming ‘Why can’t you love me? I try so hard, but it’s never enough for you!’ Her attempts at self harming are stopped when she bumps into The White Rabbit who’s found that being a space vagrant is a much nicer line of work than anything Wonderland has to offer.
‘Come see my beautiful wares, they are sooooo pretty, no trap.’
He beckons until all is interrupted by Ian Beal’s ex-wife, Mel, who has travelled to the edges of space in an attempt to rid herself of the memory of Beale Penis entering her vagina. After the The Doctor waves about his blank paper everyone is accepting that he’s a mental and Mel even offers her platoon. All gathered know she means her clop and nod in the understanding that she must take any and all action she can get to wash away whatever thoughts remain of Beale Flesh slapping against her tight young body. The Doctor declines this terrible yet sweet offer and toddles in the opposite direction fully aware that there’s the opportunity for girl child to do some God awful stroppy teenager eye rolling and of course some chess, chess against a Cyberman dum dum dummmm.
Roll opening credits
Fucking hell they don’t get any better do they?
Chess now takes up a whole bugger ton of the episode. Chess is never thrilling. At least Harry Potter attempted to up the ante a bit with some explosions and shit, no such luck here. First we have child doing chess ( I don’t know why they didn’t throw in some screaming babies raping Diana, clearly the intention was to have people switch off) swiftly followed by Matt Smith trying, bless him, to go all Smeagol/Gollum as he plays some more bloody chess against himself. The resulting gurning in one direction followed by gurning in the other is something no one wanted to see, ever. The nation applauded when he stopped.
Whats that scurrying over there? Hooray! It’s Wicket. Now go away, we will get to your Jasmine complex later, you have a monologue to prepare for.
Just as the kids learn that space is fun and maybe it’s time to go home, The Doctor decides to investigate the giant insects that glow brighter than the sun that so far everyone else had been successfully ignoring . The Doctor, mistrustful of little coloured children, forces them to sleep on a couch in the room of horrors rather than giving them a nice safe place in the TARDIS whilst the adults get randy and go in search of that platoon mentioned earlier. Girl child complains there’s no 3G and The Doctor bitch slaps her ‘you ungrateful sullen faced cow’ and exits.
It’s Wicket monologue time, the monologue is not at all about The Doctor, it’s about some other poor sod that pressed a button causing mass genocide. Honestly. Wicket says his words like an actual actor should, from here on in the rest of the cast look a little disappointed with the way they’ve been behaving.
‘Hello I’m bored’ girl child exclaims whilst entering a room of strangers pretty much inviting them to violate her in an attempt to spice things up. She may be an obnoxious wretch but she’s the only one reflecting how the audience is feeling.
Now enter super speedy, sleek and sexy Cyberman. Who wouldn’t let him do grim things to you? He successfully kidnaps both kids as, all those around rain praise and thanks upon him. He then scoots off into the ether without breaking everyone’s neck which is what I would do if I could move faster than Speedy Gonzalas on crack in a room full of people that wiped out my entire species/ate the last pop tart. The Cybermen may be evil but it appears their time management is poor. The Doctor is quick to tell everyone how shit they are and for once he’s right! If you’re that awful at fighting one Cyberman and in all your time on the planet you’ve also failed to notice the 3 million Cybermen under your feet, you completely deserve to be on a planet as it’s blown up.
The upgraded goes a fantastic shade of James Bond, killing off army ‘o’ broad-strokes by littering gloomy streets with parts of his body in the style of of a psychotic crash test dummy. It’s sexy cyber man for the win or at least it would have been if Clara hadn’t got all trigger happy. Cyber army see how much fun Cyber Bond was having and want to get in on the action and much like any war/party/family gathering it just stops being joyful with far too many people involved. It then all turns into your big standard running (but not for the Cyberman, there was mutual consensus that what Cyber Bond was doing looked like far too much effort so they will go back to be all slow and stompy) and screaming affair until Wicket reveals himself to be ruler of the galaxy and magically teleports everyone out before the planet goes kablooey. Hopefully from here on in all stories are resolved with mass destruction.
The final scene is pretty much The Doctor singing this:
Next week: The name of The Doctor
The Doctor reveals his name is Steven Moffat.