So the below was written for a celebrity website around about the start of the live finals of X Factor. It had been in the press that some poor love was made ill by the sight of Simon. I thought I was major lols, but guys, it was a major fail.
Simon Cowell causing nausea and sickness in the north east since 1959
The people and Kelly Clarkson (lord praise her) have taught us that ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.’ What they didn’t teach us is that it can also lead to some inexplicable publicity.
Some poor love in Sunderland has started suffering panic attacks whenever she sees Simon’s face. Her panic attacks are so frantic, so immense that the tabloids all the way down at Kingslanding have heard her pain and felt a desperate need to share it with the world. This is not at all a desperate attempt by the X Factor minions to get any type of coverage, no sir, not this time, not at all.
Can you just imagine the meeting?
PR 1 – Guys guys, Strictly is like totally beating us in the ratings ya, what can we do? ya.
PR 2 – Well they do have Alison Hammond.
The room – ALL PRAISE ALISON!
PR 3 – Remember back at the start, how Simon was all like, the villain, and people were all like booooo, can we do that again ya?
PR 4 – Ya, lets completely ignore the fact that Bake Off and Strictly with their eternal optimism along with all the research that shows that in a recession, yes guys that is still going on, people tend to want positive reaffirming entertainment rather than cynical, joyless and snide programming that tells them that they are shit, their jobs are shit and that unless they put themselves in a position that privacy is only a pipe dream then their whole pointless existence is just shit.
PR 1 – Ya, I hear what your saying, but I really think that if we make it sound like people are scared of Simon then the masses will tune in.
PR 2 – How are our viewing figures in……the north. *lightning strike* *sound of Cilla slapping a waiter*
PR 3 – Bad.
PR 1 – Let’s make a fool out of someone in Sunderland, those yobs will lap it up.
Now what they wanted to achieve, heaven knows. Simon is actually kind of likeable, he goes to Harvester, do you go to Harvester? No you don’t. See, Simon is more of a person than you are. Maybe Cheryl made the whole thing up, maybe it’s actually true and Simon inviting Ms.Sunderland along to a recording is the equivalent of a huge rat inviting Lynda Robson round for a cuppa.
All and none of these things could be true. If Ms. Sunderland had expressed a level of anxiety when viewing Dappy we would have all nodded our heads, agreed and not felt a need to write this mess.
We’ve got a lot of pictures of Simon for you. Let us know in great detail how they make you feel.