Things people who hate their job are fucking bored of hearing from you

Why don’t you apply for another job?

Why don’t you go fuck yourself?

My friend Keith swaps jobs every year and he’s doing well, you should talk to him.

Keith is a self-serving cunt. You’re using the word friend instead of the more accurate description of ‘he let me give him a blowjob once and although he’s an absolute wank stain I keep him around in the hopes that if I get him drunk enough he’ll let me do it again.’

Why don’t you do this? *insert link to wildly inappropriate job*

Although I appreciate that you’ve taken time, energy and effort to find a job you think I’d enjoy, the fact this job has nothing to do with my last 10 years work experience and has all to do with your dream job just confirms that you’re the whiny narcissist I always thought you were.

Rejection is just part of the process, you need to get a thicker skin.

No one will love you. Tell yourself that every day. Every time you take a step hear the chant ‘no one loves me.’ With each intake of air ‘no one will ever love me.’ When talking to a friend and they smile at you, they seem really happy to be in your company, they might ask you questions about your life, just remember how few fucks they actually give and how much they despise you.

You know, you’re lucky to be working.

You’re lucky that I’m not screaming into your face, cursing the very earth you walk on as I weep tears and blood at the thought of 8 hours at my prison desk.

Why don’t you take some time off to think about what you want to do?

Why don’t you pay me to do that then? Why don’t you, with your infinite funds from the bank of your fucking parents pay for me to sit down and have a fucking think.

Why don’t you quit this job and just temp for a bit then?

What an excellent idea, while I’m swapping one terrible soul crushing activity for another why don’t you, you with all your oh so clever ideas, why don’t you trade your shit smelling halitosis breath and trade it for a personality that’s bearable.

If you’re this upset with your job have you thought about interning somewhere more fun?

What a marvellous idea, how kind of you to give me this wisdom. I’ll just toodle off with my big bag of management, training and qualifications and trade that in for exactly zero pence and a shit eating grin. Please do carry on. Instead of living in a house paying rent should I sleep beneath bags from Tesco? Oh you think my time and money is being wasted on anything that brings me the remotest feeling of joy, should I just sit and play with the hand crafted organic wooden toys you’ve just bought for the precocious little shits you claim are children but the rest of existence would agree are the worst collection of cells and atoms to ever collect in one place?

You know, if you bought a house your mortgage would be less than rent and it would give you more job options.

You know, if I learned to live off of eating my own shit then that would be cheaper than buying food.

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