I want to support people like me, people who when asked what their favourite TV show is, they say with pride and joy:
“I love Neighbours”
To which the response is always a furrowed brow and “Is that still on TV? Remember Harold?”
You know what? Yes I fucking remember Harold and you know what else I’ve just fucking remembered? That I don’t want to be in this conversation about a storyline from 20 years ago. Do you know? Can you even fathom how much has happened in Ramsay Street since then? Do you have a single fucking clue the number of explosions, deaths and bad boiler room maintenance mishaps there have been ? Do you? Do. You. Fucking. Know?
This is for you guys.
Previously on Neighbours
Last series ended with Tyler and Piper finally getting together, Brad and Lauren getting married, everyone getting pregnant and the return of Dee Bliss. That’s right, Dee Bliss the true and natural blonde, has been ripped from the deathly cold hands of death and returned to parks and benches on this our mortal coil.
But that’s enough about the past, let’s look to, wait, also the past. This is what happened in last week’s Neighbours.
Off the bat we’re going to have to deal with these new opening titles. They are pig shit awful. The worst. Like, if I had to grade them I’d say no, piss off and try harder. These aren’t the titles for a beloved and important soap. These are the titles of a pile of crap family video that would be in the background scene of a student film. The poor Neighbours cast have been thrown in front of terrible green screen and told to emote, just look at Susan’s face, look at it!
The poor Brennan boys have been forced to be topless again. One day about two months ago those lads would have been called to a dingy warehouse (again), crying (again) as damp filled their noses (again) as they slowly slide their tops off … again. Neighbours, treat these men like meat, it’s what we like. Poor Scott’s been trying to avoid the gym for months to stop this nightmare from happening, look at his protective folded arm. Runners have been tasked with slapping butter from his hand.
The terrible green screen doesn’t end with the opening credits, no sir. We’re treated not once, but twice this week to Dee Bliss showing us her full range; from cum face to staring into the middle distance all whilst in front of a beautiful green screen ocean. Such talent. Such beauty. Apparently this and not a spider-zombie-bride that eats teeth straight from the jawbone is Toadie’s reoccurring Dee nightmare. A nightmare we should remind you he is having because he saw a generic blonde woman on a bench. Never go to LA Toadie, don’t do it to yourself.
Here we also learn Toadie and Sonya sleep in the world’s tinniest bed. Maybe this is why they’re cranky all the time and make god awful decisions.
Quick question: If Dee has been bleaching and we’re talking 90’s BLEACHING, for this long, how lank and terrible is her hair? You would think that at least her roots would have died in that fateful crash.
Main points on this story are. Toadie continues to be the worst at hiding important plot developing documents. Everyone talks about but no one sees Dee. It takes until Wednesday for anyone to mention Harold. No one mentions that Mark was dead for a while.
Ned’s court case for burning down someone’s house ended up with him getting community service and a moody Elly knocking on his door. It’s nice that Elly has come out swinging this series for the title of “Most Self Absorbed.” Watch your back Terese.
Sonya tells everyone she’s pregnant. Let’s just say it doesn’t go down the best. Steph looks broken, so broken that she wears more clothes than anyone ever has or ever will when dangling her feet in a pool. Mark and Sonya have started doing what true couples do, lying down on blankets on steep inclines, in the shade on cold winter days. Then we have Toadie and his neat dead wife obsession. The surrogacy plan was a swell one. High-five guys.
Current predicted outcome: Steph and her best friend motorbike are going to say hello to Sonya’s belly.
A raging river with added canoes now flows through the streets of Erinsborough.
Tyler and Piper finally got together and it didn’t take long for their romance to be discovered and their plans to bonk at the Canning house to be predictably interrupted. This has of course given Brad and Terese brand new ways to show how terrible they are at being parents. They’re still adamant that their daughter who for unknown reasons they allowed to live in Canada by herself, who we’ve been told is a YouTube star and whose brother recently died is too young to go out with a man that they’ve all known for years, is about a week older than her and has the most beautiful soft lips. I love his lips. I want Tyler’s lips on me.
They go on about how terrible the relationship will be although Terese is dripping for murderer Paul and Brad has yet to find a woman his dick hasn’t crawled inside of. All this culminates with a meal at the Willis household where Piper works very hard to prepare some leaves. The adults proceed to show their maturity by shouting, Piper shows her maturity by running away and Tyler shows us his very mature arms. I love his arms. I want Tyler’s arms on me.
It’s a really awful story with every single person involved acting completely out of character. It needs to end. Hopefully not with a wedding or pregnancy. Maybe with gun crime. Possibly a death.
Great news, David and Leo are now part of the shitty opening titles. Leo’s involved in the equally terrible Men Shed story. The only redeeming feature of which is Tim rocking up and calling Sonya incompetent. Which she is. She’s Mayor and decided to personally oversee a shed. If anyone’s interested in the Men Shed story, it’ll be soap writers across the globe who want to know why this useless lump of teleporting crap (seriously, where is this prime wedding location with tons of parking meant to be?) has been allowed to stick around for so long. Knock it down and build something useful like; Ned’s Sauna, Ned’s Brothel of One, maybe Ned’s Fuck Palace. Just a few thoughts for you there production crew. Just a few thoughts.
David and Amy continues to flirt. Amy continues to change from an independent babe to a woman who will do anything for The D and when she gets The D she feels she owns The D and if that D dares glance, talk or smell a boob, she cries.
Arron had two jobs this week. He showed up at a law meeting with Toadie. Arron also made a horse noise; Arron’s a horse now.
The Canning family return after the jewelry debacle of last series which gives us the most glorious thing of all: a Karl and Susan romp. Karl was swindled and paid an awful lot for a necklace that was worth an awful little. Susan finds the necklace and thinks that’s her anniversary gift, she even wears a waddle revealing top in preparation but what she gets is this magnificent gift:
What happened to the necklace? Is Karl having another affair? Thankfully Sheila sticks her nose in and tells Susan everything. Susan gets a new TV and Karl looks like a dick again. Wonderful stuff.
And that’s pretty much the it. If you want to know about Paige you can fuck off, she’s a trash person. There were some other bits, a cricket game on the street that of course went wrong, Steph sleeps with her makeup on and Toadie’s had some excellent mood lighting fitted in the bedroom. The big Dee reveal is yet to come and time is ticking before another house is on fire.
See you next week. Remember, it’s when Neighbour’s sleep with each other, have deep dark secrets and run too many businesses that they become good friends.