Welcome back for the second recap of Neighbours 2017 and I’m already wondering why I’m bothering. Carl and Susan were nowhere to be seen. There’s no better way to say it, this was a shit week of Neighbours. Shit. Just. Shit. shit shit shit. Shit. … shit.
Except for this!
DEE AND ALL HER TEETH SHOWED UP!
What can we take away from the brief Friday meeting?
- Dee doesn’t age
And that’s it. I really thought it was going to be a longer list. Sorry.
Where is this story going to go: Apparently this storyline is going to get dark, quickly. I’m not sure if I can cope with this, previous dark storylines have included:
- Cheryl was kidnapped in Ecuador whilst trying to free her son, a son that was smuggling drugs for fun. She had an affair, cut her hair and left Lou because she didn’t care
- Steph was convinced she was mad by Paul the resident cad
- Phillip Martin wrote romance on pages for all kinds of ages but mainly for those that play with their cooch
But it’ll probably be that Dee has gang connections and needs money.
Here’s what else happened this week. Yay. (This is going to be a slog.)
You know (you might not know) that on Radio 1 if there’s silence for longer than five minutes an emergency generic playlist kicks in. The Neighbours equivalent powered up this week while we wait for Dee Bliss to say some lines. The kids in love ran away (the second time for Piper and still zero times for me.) The elusive Moment returned (more on this later.) Bad things happened to good cars. Parents were terrible parent.
Let’s start with Piper and Tyler. They ran away but luckily Erinsborough’s only and worst copper Mark was able to track them down with the help of just about everyone. So they came back. The angry
Terad BTreard Brarese beast came slamming in with it’s four legs and two mouths, shouting things like “No!” “You’re so irresponsible!” “Let’s not mention that Brad dated a 14 year old!” and then because the last meal of leaves they had was so successful they demanded they have another:
In summary: Lucas showed up to fire Tyler because of the whole abandoning his job to poke himself inside a 17 year old. Everyone shouts at Piper. Brad and Terese have started growing twirling moustaches for all the plotting they’re about to do to break up Tyler and Piper
Lauren is now hiring actual children to do her dirty work at Harold’s Cafe.
Let’s take a look at the cluster fuck which is Steph, Mark, Sonya and Toadie. We have dead wife Dee marking her territory by pissing in corners at the Rebecchi’s as they sleep at night:
Toadie: Do you smell my dead wife’s perfume.
Sonya: No but I can see that ageless woman with teeth like haunted gravestones pissing in the corner.
Toadie: Cool as long as it’s not the smell of my dead wife all over the house
Sonya has noticed that she isn’t getting the seeing to that she used to from Toadie. She finally confronts him with popcorn and is all “Is it me? Am I doing something wrong?” Yes love. You have. You’re pregnant with another man’s baby. Sonya, baby check yourself.
We also have Steph flirting with baby specialist Vitoria and having The Moment, occasionally referred to as A Moment.
Let’s digress slightly
The Moment. The Moment. Themomentthemomentthemomentthemomentthemoment. I thought when Brad and Lauren got together this phrase would fuck the fuck off. Do you remember? Do you? During their whole non-affair which was really an affair they kept talking about sharing The Moment, that nothing happened, it was only The Moment. Then “having A Moment” became the magic part of meeting someone that only happens in Neighbours. You either have no genital attraction for someone or ALL the genital attraction and when this occurs you have experienced The (A) Moment.
What it really shows is that because Neighbours parents create emotionally stunted and insecure children that then grow up to be emotionally simple adults, they can’t tell the difference between a bit of flirting and finding your lobster. For fucks sake, Steph is edging towards 50 and the way she talks about Victoria it’s like she’s never had a crush before. After one meal she’s questioning everything with Mark. She had The Moment with another human, what should she do? For the love of God, what should she do? Maybe you just have an insatiable vulva Steph. That’s OK, own it, own your vulva.
Prediction update: Steph will sleep with Victoria. Sonya will join in. Toadie will get revenge by sleeping with Carl. Mark will become so beige that scientists decide to study him.
Gary is doing illegal stuff with cars in a story that will go nowhere. This story is really fucking me off and let me tell you why. Gary has been shown to be a moral person that finds himself in shitty situations. However, here he’s sought out trouble, trouble that could get him back in prison which he wouldn’t do to himself or Xanthe. The Gary we’ve been shown is hard working and doesn’t take shortcuts so why is he doing it here? Lazy storytelling or a long game that will lead to all cars being taken off the roads in Australia and therefore dramatically reduce crime and death on Ramsay Street? You decide.
Paige is pregnant. I would only care about this story if Dee was the father. Which she isn’t. So I don’t.
There we have it another week on the street where Lauren continues to haunt everyone else’s storylines, the Rec Centre magically tripled in size for a game of dodgeball and Dee is yet to say a full sentence. Remember it’s when the dead walk the earth that Neighbours become good friends.
P.S. Here’s a picture of Ned topless. It’s from a story-line with Xanthe doing summer school with a problematic Asian stereotype. Neighbours has a long history of terrible diversity and I just don’t have the energy for it this week.