So this week it’s tricky to be funny. Neighbours was amazing. I’m really sorry. I’m going to use too many clichés. I’m going to praise the acting and possibly a set or two. Neighbours would have made my life easier if these things had happened this week:
- Paige died
That pretty much sums it up. I’m happy with this list. This is a good list.
Oh my god she came back! Dee/Dee’s sister pretending to be her/Dee’s parents dressed up as Dee/Libby wearing Falkor as a wig … whatever she is, she’s played by Madeleine West, has natural blonde hair and she’s back!
It’s been a fucking brilliant week of Neighbours with Madeleine and Ryan Moloney (he plays Toadie. What? Someone plays these characters? A person pretends to be someone else, lies to the world and we just accept this? fucking disgusting) have been knocking it out of the park. Grief, anger, accusations, acceptance, we’ve had it all folks. Then, THEN! Neighbours had the audacity to be more than a just a wonderfully comfortable soap and gave every meeting between Dee and old characters such weight and emotion that this doesn’t feel like a standard character-back-from-the-dead storyline, it feels like something special.
Steph, you broke my heart.
So where’s Dee been all this time? As far as we know her wedding dress dragged her under the waves and that’s why the rescue team didn’t find her. A lady called Emily who we can only assume has too many cats, did. Emily, for reasons, didn’t take Dee to a hospital even though she had massive head trauma and memory loss and they decided to hide from the world for over a decade. Yup. Seems legit.
Obviously this isn’t going to be plain sailing. Here’s just a few coo coo things Dee did this week:
- Behaving like going back to Ramsay Street is a final exam, when she got Elly’s family tree wrong it was like she’d seriously let someone down
- She’s got no memory of Tad, but do any of us really?
- She had a weird mirror in the middle of the room set up where she looked at her reflection as though she didn’t recognise herself
- She has the same hair, clothes, perfume and wedding ring as over a decade ago – emotional manipulation of Toadie or lack of new clothes and perfume in the crazy cat lady house?
- She’s adamant that she killed her sister and she should pay although it doesn’t really sound like she did…yet
Current theory: Emily is actually nut job Sindi who’s been training Dee to be an assassin as she seeks to get her hands on the Bliss family fortune. All of this is orchestrated by Susan, who, by showing us that she keeps pictures of dead Ramsay Street residents so close to hand confirms what has long been suspected that she is in fact the Erinsborough Puppet Master.
Sadly we were only allowed to see the Blessed Dee for three days. The rest of the week was filled with the other shit the Neighbours have been doing. Shall we have a look?
Leo opened a hotel, that’s right the 456th hotel has opened in Erinsborough, this time for backpackers. The whole business model seems to be “We have a wombat, come and look at the wombat.” Surely that can’t go wrong.
This did however give us one of the most Neighbours things to happen in Neighbours and it looked a little something like this:
Let’s hope Backpackers gets filled up with greased up sluts and we spend a lot time there. Also, see that dude in the background? More of him please.
Steph’s continuing to explore all the moments she can with Victoria. Exploring moments in the bar, in the car, in the vagina. Everywhere! Steph, listen to me, Victoria is a hell of a lot hotter and more interesting than Mark, she also hasn’t got your best friend’s wife pregnant. Leave Mark and dive deep into the loving lips of Victoria, you have my permission.
Arron worked as a hotel opening compere – I’m not even sure that’s a CV eligible job.
Terese and Paul decide to tackle how problematic Australia Day is. Lols. Of course they don’t. They get some sports people in and Terese’s face sums up my feelings about guest spots from famous people who aren’t famous for acting:
Gary, well, we’re not sure what’s happening there. Or why. There was a car filled with laptops that then wasn’t? What? Now he’s taken to kidnapping a wombat. If anyone would like to fill me in I’d really appreciate it.
Over in Typer land it’s a bit meh. They hang out in a hotel room not naked. Tyler continues to look for work not naked. They move into Backpackers also not naked. Why even bother filming them? Oh yes. That’s right. Arms.
I want to end this week with stressing how fucking angry I am that Digital Spy gave away a massive spoiler for next week in a headline. I’m repulsed. Angry. Life will never be the same again. This is just the beginning it’s not the end.
Fuck! No! Anger turned into a Mel C song.
Remember it’s when Neighbours doubt that an old friend has come back from the dead and they investigate them behind everyone else’s back even though you know that it will make people angry because your name is Mark and you’re a terrible policeman, fiance and human that they become good friends.
Final thought: It costs $150 to stay at the shit hole Robinsons? What the actual fuck? Apart from the one room that’s seen more blood, bones and semen than a prostitutes butt hole, what do you get for $150?