DEEsaster week!

So. Full disclosure. I have a glass of wine in hand. My emotions are changeable and true.

So they’ve fucked up Dee’s return. Dee’s not Dee and the revelation that Toadie has a secret daughter lasted about a second. Dee’s some other lass (SneakDEE) who I just could not give a fuck about. All the weight and emotion I gushed about last week feels like a lie and I hate everyone involved. Everyone.

Well…

…that’s unless the writers have recently watched Addams Family and Dee is Uncle Festering us. Maybe true Dee lost her memory, became someone else, learned about THE GREAT BLISS ESTATE (half a million dollars folks) and decided to pretend to be Dee to get the money that is actually hers because SHE TURNS OUT TO BE MOTHER FUCKING DEE. (Try not to think about the kid, Willow ruins everything.)

We can only hope this is the case or the next few months are going to drag with Toadie being tricked by a dastardly plot followed by Dee standing in shadows stroking her beard. To make things worse the chances of her being found out are slim to none as Mark the crappiest cop known to man has only had his suspicions raised by a ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign on a hotel door. Mark hasn’t been to a hotel before. Poor Mark.

What else have we learned from the whole Dee situation? My main take-away has been that I don’t know what a DNA test entails or what it actually tells you about a person. For instance, home paternity tests? Is that a thing? Yes it is.  Do they work like Dee’s DNA test where you cram dead-woman-hair into a bag? I don’t know.

Why, oh lord, why does she have a clump of hair from a woman that died 13 years ago? Did she scalp Dee? Is a scalped Dee with one eye hanging out and nail-less toes going to turn up and save the day? Does hair not rot?

I also learned the exact way not to peak through some curtains.

Sometimes I really do feel for Sonya. When you get with someone that looks like Toadie you don’t think you’re going to have to deal with so many exes never mind the stunners that Toadie tricked into bumping uglies with. This sympathy normally only lasts for a second until I remember that she’s actually a self serving monster who pretends to do good for others but it’s normally just to boost her own feelings of moral superiority and self worth. ‘Oh I’m Sonya, I wear ethnic patterns and can’t tell stories, I’m so full of hippy goodness.’ You know what Sonya? Fuck off. You’re distrustful and jealous of anyone you didn’t meet first and your obsession with Mark is sick. You’re sick. Sonya. You’re sick.

Unsurprisingly Mark is taking this opportunity to be as big a dick as humanly possible.

Mark: Steph, I know I’m lying about where I’m going and my best friend is pregnant with my baby but why are you kissing people that aren’t me?
Steph: Because everything and everyone on this planet is more desirable than you.

When Steph finally decided to do some straight talking about the Victoria kiss he flips:

“This happens a lot to you” he says.

Does it? Does it Mark? Give me another occasion this has happened to Steph. When would you have even seen? The times you come up for air from whatever woman you’re eating out are few and far between.

He forgets HE LITERALLY PUT HIS SPERM IN HIS BEST FRIEND’S BELLY. Thankfully Steph flung her ring at him and then slammed her engagement band down on the table. You go girl. Don’t raise the baby that you didn’t want in the first place. You ballsed up the two kids that you actually planned for. How on earth do you think this is going to turn out well?

Victoria is putting more time and dedication into the stalking of Steph than Mark has done about anything ever. Ditch him. Let lady V slam your body down and wind it all around. This is the best thing to happen to Steph in years, excellent stuff. More of this please.

This also means that Mark and Sonya can make the most of the new giant river that no one’s talking about. How many children died when this river appeared?

In fun other news Terese seems to be losing her way around Erinsborough and marking walls with her lipstick like she’s stuck in the labyrinth.

Typer continue to live in a roof  with no door, no food and no parental care. Piper’s parents have decided to punish her for what her and all our loins want by not letting her have school books, food or shoes. This seems like a fool-proof plan and I’m sure Piper will merrily move home soon enough .

It’s always fun to see a so many people round this table that have had their genitals in each other. So beautiful.

The other kids got a bit of a look in this week. They’ve got a lovely new uniforms with colour, shapes and fabrics that I haven’t the words to describe. Jimmy had his first day at high school which means we’re in for five years of him running away from home, spray painting things and occasionally making friends with girls with flashes of cheap clip on hair.

Xanthe continues to be mad obsessed with dodge ball. I honestly preferred her when she was being molested by strangers. They keep trying to make it sexy with some slo-mo. You know what makes anything sexy? Tyler. Topless. Greased up like a pig. Moaning in the dark. Oink.

The first day back at school seemed to take its toll on Susan and Elly. The next picture doesn’t have the same oomph without proper context but editing of the episode tells me it was in the middle of the day.

Susan and Sheila such an incredible catfight that Susan forgot how clothes work.

Just take it off Susan and shove it in a washing machine stop being patted down like a horse.

I often wonder why anyone would live in Erinsborough? There’s so much drama, explosions and bitchiness. I suppose if there’s a chance you could come back to life then that’s a rather compelling reason to live anywhere.

And there we have it. Dee not being real isn’t iDEEl, I’d rather see the emotional fallout of her return and a daughter he didn’t know about rather than have to DEEl with the frustration of waiting weeks for her to be found out. Meh.

Remember, when Neighbours throw mud at each other they become good friends.

P.S. It was nice of Marlene to cameo.

 

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