Before we get into last week’s Neighbours (because who loves nothing more than talking about an out of date soap) can we all agree that the sausage competition and the constant unashamed innuendos are the best thing to happen to Neighbours in years. If Terese gave up her job to work in a sausage factory and talk about sausage all the live long day I think I’d die happy.
So the Dee story’s a pile of shit covered in peroxide isn’t it?
The moment Dee became Fake Dee (I can’t be fucked learning the new character’s name) and not Dee Dee it all seemed like a pointless exercise. Character motivated by money is what we have Paul and Terese bickering for and they do it better. You know what would be good (apart from anything else)? A character hell bent on revenge on a husband she feels left her to die and the friends that have forgotten her. That would be amazing.
Instead Fake Dee is wandering around the place like a lame Dick Dastardly with no real motivation for what she’s doing. We all know she’ll be found out in the end, Toadie will move on and no one will mention it again. Dee even lies to Susan. To Susan! She’s a saint! I couldn’t even be bothered shrugging. I’ve given up on the idea of Fake Dee being actual Dee, the plot hasn’t been that smart. It’s been so dumb that she’s going to get discovered because she’s missing a lower back tattoo or some shit like that.
So for this week our stories we don’t give a flying fuck about are:
- Fake Dee and her plot to finally reveal her boob
- The Tanaka brothers and their hunt for … I don’t know what
- Terese lowering herself to even consider being porked by Gary
It’s been a few weeks since I checked on Ramsay Street so what has everyone been up to? Apart from Aaron hitting the gym, they’ve been up to very little.
Steph has ditched Mark which is relief as it felt more like a story to serve plot than the characters. She’s now banging hottie Victoria who was married to Mark’s boss and is mother to some creature that learned to speak last week. Nothing will go wrong here at all. No sir. I’m really glad that they’ve not forgotten Steph’s sexuality and they’ve not made that pivotal to her actions, Victoria could just as easily be a man. What I’m not so happy about is that she’s managed to pick up another stalker. Is there some sort of handbook on how to piss of Steph? Did Paul write it? Is that how he’s rich again? Give it three more days, Steph’ll start thinking she’s crazy again and it’ll be revealed to be Belinda or Vicki’s wife or Libby because of the spare time she has from not being a parent.
Steph being happy (hooray) has clearly made Mark upset (also hooray.) In a not so subtle chat with Toadie about having feelings for someone and not talking to your other half, Mark seems confused that Steph wanted time to work out her emotions before telling Mark. Surely women aren’t capable of such complicated thought and if she had just told Mark, a man, then he would have been able to solve it for her. Silly, stupid women. You know what Mark, just shut up, shut the fuck up. Maybe what you should have said in this situation was:
“Steph what’s wrong. You seem a bit unhappy and confused, how do we work together to get to the best outcome for both of us.”
Y’know instead of being such a selfish fuck nut. Toadie did a good job of arguing the other side (he’d just had THE MOMENT with Fake Dee) to which Mark was all “we’ll have to agree to disagree.” No one benefits from saying that apart from the smug cunt that forced the warm air to make those sounds out of their stupid meat lips.
I’d like you all to take a look at this sign. Would you hire this solicitor? A solicitor who has stapled a poster to a wall instead of an actual sign? A solicitor that thinks you’re so stupid that they felt they had to illustrate what they do with a picture. A solicitor that chose lime green. A solicitor that chose Aaron to be his secretary?
While we’re talking about this little cluster of idiots we’re going to have to mention Sonya and Mark and the baby in her belly. First off all I’m still unsure about the logistics here, Mark is such a drip of a human I honestly don’t believe his semen would do anything but slowly ooze out of a person, there’s no way it can create life.
Turns out, it doesn’t matter that this new baby is causing misery to everyone that hears about it, they can’t decide who will look after it and now it might be seriously ill, but they’re still going to keep it. Karl is so disgusted about the whole thing that he’s fobbing the pair off onto David the only other doctor in Erinsborough.
Now I never want to wish baby death on someone but if this child dies, that would be amazing. Sonya is totally absolving herself of all responsibility whilst at the same time painting herself as some sort of morally superior womb haver. She actually said, “It might be my body but it’s your baby.” Feminism.
A brief interlude before we go back to the hospital. Anyone else noticing that Neighbours is getting its monies worth out of a deal with London Grammar? My new goal in life is to form a band whose music appears exclusively in the background of tea-time soaps.
It’s work experience week at the school! Yay! A chance to see some new locations. Maybe meet some new people. In a normal soap perhaps. Neighbours shipped Ben off to the hospital because of all those times he mentioned wanting to be a doctor (never) and Xanthe went with him because instead of being her own person with her own motivation she’s fallen into the same trap as any vagina that slopped onto Ramsay Street and now she’s purely driven by her desire for cock. In this instance Ben’s cock. Even though she has excellent fashion sense and was at one point an Instagram sensation she decided to trade it all in to spend some time with Benny Boy. Feminism.
They sort of redeemed things by making Xanthe instrumental in reattaching some soundless beasts finger but when they got to the hospital Karl was all “Have you thought about being a nurse? Women can only be nurses. Doctoring is man job. You’ll be a doctor Ben although you’ve shown no interest or inclination for the role.” Xanthe smiled after a man told her she was slightly better than worthless and everyone carried on with their day.
Amber, remember her? Lauren’s daughter. Do you remember Lauren, she’s Lou’s daughter, she used to be interesting until they removed all her stories and turned her into a plant pot at Harold’s. Anyway her grandaughter, Matilda, is super ill and THEY ARE GOING TO SELL HAROLD’S! Well they said it once, but it won’t happen. Who would take over? Sky. I want Sky to take over.
Finally lets cast our eye over to Piper who seems to have brought everyone into a drama that could easily be solved by a bit of compassion and parenting. Piper is now dealing fake IDs because generic girl, Cousin It and whatever she is at the back said that ‘anything could happen.’ Pipes, anything could mean a good things, stay optimistic. Or, don’t deal fake IDs because you know it’s illegal.
Pipes, and I’m talking to you directly here, in the past anytime you’ve done something a bit stupid it’s because you’ve believed it’s the right thing. I liked that about you. Don’t dick about here, also don’t do your illegal deals in the middle of a coffee shop that every single person you know uses daily.
I really hate it when Neighbours uses blackmail as a way to excuse someone acting out of character, they’re doing the same thing to Gary. Piper and Elly are finally getting on so why not make them work together to solve the problem?
Brilliantly, Willow, who’s rapidly becoming my favourite character has got involved and when Elly got a little too close to the truth Willow didn’t run away from a fight instead she photoshops a picture of Elly to make it look like she slept with underage Angus. Excellent. How she heard about Angus and managed to get a picture is beside the point but it’s always nice to see women looking out for each other.
I have a ton of questions about how the paperwork would pan out to get Willow into school when she’s lying about her name and age. If anyone could answer that please drop me a line. I’m starting to feel rather angry about it. Also Jimmy is starting to make eyes at Willow and she’s starting to flirt with Ben, if she was to have sex with either of these people would there be a statutory rape case and how would that pan out?
Quotes of the week
- Piper about Elly “Her idea of bettering herself is a spray tan.”
- Steph: “I never picked you for a book worm”
Elly: “I’m an English teacher”
There we have it, fake ID’s and Fake Dee. Let hope for a few more thrills this week shall we?