Neighbours – Friday on a Monday

Hello and welcome to the only and most precise Neighbours recap you need.

The Neighbours you need to know

We are going to hit the ground hard and fast here so these are the key facts you need to know:

  • Neighbours has just celebrated 35 years of being the best art humanity has created
  • To celebrate, they sent a whole bunch of characters to an island with a serial killer. It went as well as you can expect
  • Denise Van Outen has recently been blown up
  • To punish us for enjoying the 35th, Neighbours is currently on twice a week. The cadence of my life is in tatters
  • The Kennedy’s, Robinson’s and Canning’s are all at war

We need to have a brief chat about Susan

Sorry. This will be difficult for you to read.

Forget all you know about Susan. Susan is a terrible person. Susan makes terrible decisions and then hides behind her kind eyes, principles desk and scarves. I feel with my entire being that because of her, and only her, you can blame any bad choice you have made directly on Susan Kennedy.

You need examples? I’ve got you covered.

  1. She let known killer of life and torturer of both of her nieces (Bea and Ellie) move into her home
  2. She let one of those nieces (Bea) date him
  3. She covered up for the other niece (Ellie) when she started boning him behind her sister’s back
  4. She’s not changed her hair in over a decade, it’s as though her life fundamentally changed and then stopped the instant Lynn cut her locks off
  5. She’s stayed married to Karl

From here on blame Susan and pray for her redemption.

So what the fuck is happening on Ramsay Street now?

Strong question.

The focus at the moment is on Ellie and how she continues, as always, to be the worst.

What I mean to say is, Ellie is social pariah who has no soul and sees no worth in the world unless the world is looking at her. And she is loving slopping around in the current drama.

As you’re unaware of the current drama (that’s why you’re here) let me fill you in about Finn Kelly. This man is Finn Kelly.

How do you feel about this face now you’ve seen it? Aren’t thin lips crazy hot? What substance are they made from? Is there a danger of paper-cuts? What does he chew on when he’s taken too much? Important things we all need to know.

Finn was evil, tried to kill a lot of people, including all students at Erinsborough High but then Susan tried to kill him. It didn’t work. Instead he got a touch of the old Harold and forgot what he had done, only remembering up until he was about 17. That was before he was taken by terrorists who tortured and raped him because his parents refused to pay the ransom. And now he’s dead after falling into watery grave he meant for Suze.

Back to Ellie. She’d been on The Island for her birthday with a bunch of…when it comes to Ellie they’re not exactly friends, she sees them more as eyes on stalks. To Ellie people are merely there to witness her not to be engaged with. Finn stole her baby (his nephew, I’ll leave you to think about that) and set fire to The Island. Ellie escaped of course and found her way to Susan and Finn (i.e. someone told her that’s where the cameras were) and instead of doing anything actually useful, like grab everyone and runway to safety, she simply squatted and sprayed herself across the crime scene.

Every fluid her body could create was expelled, every flake of skin she could spare was laid across the land, no stone remained unlicked and not not a single strand of hair remained on her head. So, understandably, the police investigation (which is spear headed by no other than SKY MANGEL) think she is very guilty and deserves whatever randomly selected justice Erinsborough Police will dish out this time.

So that’s you caught up for now. Tune in next time to find out if Mackenzie stays in Erinsborough. We’ll see the further fallout from Gary’s death. I’ll tell you who Mackenzie and Gary are. And we’ll all see if I manage to make an expose on the boobs of Erinborough (Erinsbreasts) not sexist. Any questions you have are understandable and welcome. Until then take care and attention when making your own perfect blend.

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