My Names David. I’m 33. I live in London. And my Mum is dead.
You’re interested right? That’s the the formula? Boring, boring, then BAM in your face. The thought of a dead, death corpse.
What did you see? Did you flash to Joyce Summers just out of focus, lying across the sofa, Buffy calling for her? How about your own dead Mum? I’m sure that wasn’t great. Sorry about that. Maybe you’re sick in the head and thought of dead, blue boobs. Firm little mountains of cold veiny flesh. Was that you? I hope you feel shame.
Me. Like you. Are sort of trapped inside. It’s hard. In this untangle way. A glob that surrounds everything, sucking away at stamina meters without a break, making it impossible to take a moment and refocus. Also. Me. Like you. Want to be inspired. Even though you understand, you know, that this is odd, that things are difficult, but still you can’t forgive yourself for not doing better.
Well this is my drop in the ocean, to self-indulgently and hopefully knowingly help by offering up a bit of my soul as entertainment and to make you feel a little less alone.
This will not be safe for any family member to read.
The main thing occupying my head this week is of course fucking. It’s been a while. Want to know how many times I’ve woken up humping my mattress? Just count how many days there are in the week and multiply it by the four times a night I wake up humping my goddamn mattress.
It’s driving me insane.
I know, I KNOW, that this is an expression of my loneliness rather than an actual need to sow my wild oats and add to the fat-berg beneath London with cum covered shits and used condoms. That if I was starving I would be imagining grotesque feasts with mountains of food rather than a healthy salad. But that doesn’t help and doesn’t make the fire that is currently coursing across my skin stop.
My living situation doesn’t help. I live with my cousin and he moved his girlfriend in at the the start of quarantine. This in itself is not terrible, I love my cousin, he’s one of my closest friends and it’s the best news that he wants to share his life with someone. However, they’ve been dating for around a year and are at the exact point in the relationship you can imagine (think play fights, bedroom music turned up, not enough bickering or visible cracks in the relationship that I can pick away at for my own chuckles.)
I, on the other hand, haven’t had a had a hug in four weeks.
It makes me feel profoundly lonely.
I get up and make breakfast for myself. I will then sit in my room for 8 hours attempting work alone. I’ll go on my government mandated walk also alone. I’ll go to the shops alone and then when it’s all done I’m back in my bed all by myself again. What’s my moment of rest-bite from this tedium? It is of course Grindr, wanking and that 30 seconds of bliss post cum before the guilt slams into you.
These wanks, where I lose myself in a world of limbs, dicks and holes are my current happy place. A sweet spot of escapism that sort of feels like a work out. But even this has been tainted.
The gays I follow on Twitter like to have opinions that come purely from their own self interests. This is more a read of the type of people I choose to follow rather than the gays themselves. One opinion that keeps coming up is the damning of anyone that breaks quarantine to have The Sex. Or, as we should call it, slut shaming but with an injection of even more moral superiority. My view is keep this opinion to yourself*. It’s a trash, simplistic, damaging to the people it’s referring to and does little but make the those saying it feel momentarily as though they’ve ‘done their part for the good of the nation.’
These opinions are usually along the lines of ‘if you need to break quarantine for sex then you clearly have issues with how much you love yourself and how selfish you are.’ And they keep on haunting my head at inopportune moments. It’s not exactly ideal to be thinking about Thor choking me with Mjolnir (handle down the throat) whilst Amy Jo Johnson (with out without helmet dependent on mood) is pegging away, to be suddenly confronted with the selfishness of sex. Followed by feeling like a piece of shit because I contemplated hooking up with XXLHNH because he lives home alone and surely the risk isn’t too bad. I didn’t. But I felt like I could.
I think about those folks deciding they need to go out and bang. Of course there will be some people who are doing it for less than noble (knoble?) reasons, there always are. But why not take a look through someone else’s bedroom window? You might see a soul who’s miles from their family, that hasn’t spoken directly to another person’s face in weeks and the only way connection to the world is through their phone. For them, seeing someone else just a few feet away is as lonely and horny must be a comfort. Is it really that bad if they take it a step beyond the rules? How about people recently out of relationships, grieving, lost their jobs, had a limb amputated, that are simply lost? The people figuring out life and where they belong? We’d forgive them for doing stupid things in normal situations, how on earth can we expect them to suddenly become level headed bastions for good behavior?
I don’t want people to break quarantine. It’s clearly a bad idea. But people break rules and the law at the best of times for all kinds of reason. Why not show a bit of compassion now? And for those of you out there hooking up, why not do what I did and purchase a toy for ‘muscle pain relief.’
So I think that’s it for this installment. That felt like a bit of a meander but then that’s what’s happening between my brain and fingers. Big apology to those sucked in with the dead Mum chat and wanted some more, tune in next time. For those wanting more dick discussion, tune in next time too or slide into my DMs.
Stay safe and very far apart.
*That is unless you have managed to carry out studies into human behaviour and the results of being trapped inside in a space that it is, by far, not equipped to be lived in 24 hours a day, used as your place of work 5 days a week, oh, and you’re not allowed to see anyone in person. Then yes, maybe I would like to hear your opinion.