Neighbours – Tuesday on a Monday

How often do you think of the sex lives of teenagers? I mean actual teenagers you may know and the sex that they are having. Not the ones you’re chatting to on Grindr or searching for on Xtube. Their sex life is between them and their gods.

If you’re Paul Robinson then you think about it all the fucking time. Next to ‘business’ it’s his favourite go to conversation. Who is porking who and how angry can he get about it? And he is furious about Harlow (Paul’s in show Granddaughter and Jason Donovan’s in real life daughter) and Hendrix (son of Pierce who is played by Tom Robards known for all the reality TV in Australia and having large, very large man titties) finally hooking up. More on that in a bit.

This is Tom. Bet you want to watch Neighbours now.

This week we continued to see the fall out from The Island. Sheila, think mouthy barmaid, bread back, in everyone’s gossip, how I want to live my final 40 years on this planet. Sheila is pissed that people are forgetting that her son Gary is… well he got shot in the back with an arrow and then burned in a bush fire, so he’s dead.

She’s fuming that her adult son, the epitome of a loser, is not getting the same recognition (a mural we’ve seen once and a tree) as Goddess Sonya who died from cancer last year. At one point she was yelling about a statue of him in the centre of Lassiters. Below is Gary. No one wants a statue of Gary.

Here are the top three shit things that Gary has done:

  • He does lame crime badly such as when Paul paid him to steal a file from Terese or when he failed to steal a car and had to get his daughters best friend’s boyfriend to help him. Loser.
  • He attacked Karl which is a little bit yay, also, respect your elders
  • He does a thing called the Limber Ladybird which makes women cream themselves and the thought of him doing it puts me off sex, being limber, ladybirds and life.

It’s been a joy to see Sheila let loose, yelling at the police, yelling across the street, yelling at the Kennedy’s when they incredibly selfishly decided to have drinks at Sheila’s bar and demanding that David (Paul’s son) get’s fired for not spotting that crazy Finn was being crazy.

Boning. That’s where we started so that’s where we’ll end. Harlow is deep in grief after her mother (Denise Van Outen) was blown up sort of accidentally by Finn (read more about Finn in last week’s update.) This week was the memorial and Harlow handed all responsibility over to Roxy (we’ll get into who she is another time, it’s a little exhausting to think about now) so she could get herself comfortable and listen to her Mother’s final voicemail ad nauseam. That is. Until. PAUL DELETES IT! What a cad.

This sends Harlow into a mega FUCK YOU and agrees to have a memorial that’s a bit more party, oh, yeah, and uses doctrine from the cult her mother was heavily in debt to. The chaotic energy of everyone smiling and complimenting each other sends Harlow over the edge and she decides to lose her virginity to Hendrix. Now. I just want applaud them. I can honestly say. Hands on my heart. Grief sex is some of the horniest I’ve had. And after my Mother died, well, all I can say is Harlow gave herself the gift (and curse) of the first time being possibly the best she’ll ever have. You go Harlow. More power to you.

That’s the end of this week. Join me next week where we might find out if Elly is going to prison. We’ll see the depths of Susan’s guilt for bringing Finn back to the street and I develop some Neighbours themed software, Neighbits.

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