Where will you die in the office?

We’ve all considered taking our lives before, during and after a slog at the office. But where is the best place? Thankfully HP has the answer.

A recent survey commissioned by HP and conducted by The International Funeral Society has found that the printer is most people’s preferred location of office death.

After extensive research it was discovered that employees no longer wanted to pass away in the peaceful dignity of the toilet cubicle as was previously thought. It was also discovered that more violent acts such as carrying a Ruger LCR into the office and ‘taking the team with you’ is now considered passé. Surprisingly it is also now thought ‘uncool’ to fall asleep in meetings and die whilst mumbling all the reasons you hate Jeanne from finance.

In a day and age where paperless offices are helping the fight against global warming the printer has become a a place of solitude. Printers, once the heart of every office are now a location where colleagues and senior management alike can stand and reflect on their terrible life choices alone until death eventually takes them in its cold lonely grasp.

Tessa from HR said ‘Yes, we’ve found a greater number collapsed decomposed meat sacks over the printer. Thankfully it’s a wipe clean surface and we’re not back in the dark days when team members would bring a sword to fall upon, the carpets were ruined.’

‘On a HP Officejet Pro X476DW, that would be going out in style.’ Tory from reception.

In a close second was making the stationary cupboard into a Matilda inspired ‘chokey’ and at third place was lift sabotage. In China the classic roof jump is still in vogue.

A representative from HP ‘We are always happy to discover that people are still using our products. However HP is committed to to decreasing the level of on printer deaths and has  partnered with Facebook so that pictures of loved ones will also be printed alongside your usual printer needs.

We have discontinued the MFP 8610 after a substantial reports of pictures of ex lovers getting married increased in office mortality rates.’

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the HIV article

This was written for HIV awareness week and unintentionally managed to annoy a number of people.  I hoped to send the message that wearing a condom would help lower the stress of a regular STI check by giving an account of a time I really thought I was in for a life of medication. Some people thought I was calling people with HIV stupid and that I was arrogant and should never write again. It wasn’t my happiest week on twitter.

http://eqview.com/2014/12/01/time-thought-hiv/

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How to get away with murder

People on the whole are terrible and no one would blame you for wanting to get away with removing a few from this mortal coil. Unfortunately ‘the man’ thinks otherwise. So don’t get caught. Here are top tips on how to get away with murder.

1.) Wear your victims skin

We’ve all heard the saying about walking in another mans Uggs or whatever so why not take some time after you’ve crushed the life from a living being to get to know them by walking a mile in their skin.

Be sure to sit dow for a meal with their parents or loved one, this valuable time in their former familie’s warm embrace could possibly help your alibi later. Also, you might get pie. Unfortunately for you face cutters out there leaving the visage intact is vital for this to work.

2.)Satanic ritual

A satanic ritual can be very helpful, but be careful. Sure, calling forth the great and mighty Pishacha to eat away the dead flash removes the body quickly, but if you accidentally call on Beritha and you’re not wearing your silver ring you’re going to be in for a less than ideal evening.

3.)Murder someone near another murder

It’s basic maths, by being near another murder you’re cutting the chances of you getting caught in half and doubling theirs.

4.) Have a friend of non-white origin

Double points if they’re called Adnan

5.)Continue murdering

You’re on a roll so do. not. stop.

If you think someone knows what you’ve done, kill them. If someone looks at you the wrong way, slice ‘em. A curious child down the street? Drown it. Gossiping Mrs. McArthy, she has to go too. Make sure to erase the bloodlines of the lives you’ve touched. No one can know the awful things you’ve done.

Apart from God, he always knows.

6.)Start a museum to your victims

We’ve all heard about hiding in plain site, the police will never suspect you, you could earn some money and the community gets a new gift shop.nEveryone’s a winner.

7.)Find hedges to hide behind

The police can’t see people hiding in hedges. Fact.

8.) Food

Not all people are terrible, some people are actually alright. Sadly not everyone has access to food. Why not volunteer at a local soup kitchen or food bank and serve up your very own Sweeney Todd style canned meat. It might not be original but it worked for him and will work for you too.

9.) Be patient

People tend to go on a bit of a witch hunt when a young person, or as the media would have you say, “child” is killed. So, although your victim surely deserves to die, wait until he or she is claiming their pension then the wider world will care less.

10.) Not telling you

It’s my plan

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The Cow Play – Review

The Cow Play is terrible, the performances weren’t:

http://sosogay.co.uk/2014/review-cow-play-rosemary-branch-theatre/

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The Bake Off and Korea

The Bake Off, one of Britain’s greatest creations came and went this year and I wrote about it for most weeks. Some weeks I had other things to do like being out on the town, finding my inner sassy and some such. You can read what I wrote over at the lovely eqview.

I also saw a bunch of Koreans beat the shit out of each other for folks at Sosogay, it. was. hilarious.

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A poem – Its called ‘Say Something’

A bit of pre-ramble here. I’ve never written anything like this before so have no idea where it lies on the scale of angsty teenager to poet laureate. It’s meant to be spoken aloud with some distracting arm gestures to get over the ropey bits. 

Feedback would be appreciated. 

Here we go…

Say Something

Say something.
Anything.
For the love of all things holy FIGHT WITH ME!
I’ve rung the bell,
Carefully constructed a ring of self deprecation, insults and honesty,
And I’ve lined up the ghosts of our past as referee and audience.

Bring it!
Step up and join me.

But you don’t,
you sit there in silence.
Your eyes mist up,
You don’t want this.

I’m sorry

I don’t mean to scare you,
And I don’t want you sad
I’m confused and don’t know how to make sense of this mess of thoughts, images and chemicals.

I need to know you care

I’m exposing myself,
Telling you all my horrors.
Your silence continues.
Please react.

PLEASE

please

Finally, you lean forward,I know what’s coming.
Defeat.
One small sarcastic raise of your eyebrow and my energy’s gone,
Your fingers touch mine and the world turns from red to blue.
The ghosts fade away.

We can’t keep doing this.
You look so tired.

I sit down next to you, rest my head on your shoulder and close my eyes.
Tomorrow it’ll be better.
It has to be.

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Honest to God reviews! Of plays! Plural!

I saw some people on stage pretending to be other people (in normal circles we call these folk liars.) Then afterwards I got to judge them from a distance and sort of behind their backs, I’m not sure who comes out best in this situation.

One show was about HIV, which as well know is a bottomless well of cheery joy making for a light heated evening of mirth:

http://vadamagazine.com/25/05/2014/arts/positive-review

The other was an immersive theatre experience that puts the audience in control of the action:

http://eqview.com/2014/08/06/chances-joe-allan-theatrical-review/

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Vada – West End Unplugged

I saw some singers sing some songs, it was good.

http://vadamagazine.com/02/05/2014/arts/west-end-switched

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Sabotage Times – Looking

At the start of the year I wrote about Looking. It was being compared to Girls at the time. I hadn’t seen Girls. Now that I have, if I were to write this again I would be a bit more angry about the comparison. Girls = must see TV. Looking = absolute shit. (#maths)

http://sabotagetimes.com/reportage/hbos-looking-the-cliched-gay-girls-bears-no-resemblance-to-real-life/

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I’m not dead

Hey guys,

Well, I say guys, what I mean is people who I’m guessing have clicked on the link on my Twitter profile. I’m not doing so much writing here. Instead pop over to Vada where I do a ton.

 

http://vadamagazine.com/author/david-blackett

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