No one loves the Wicked, except me and here’s why

I went to see Wicked and fell in love with it again, this is why you should too:

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Holy … shit, they thought it was shit

So the below was written for a celebrity website around about the start of the live finals of X Factor. It had been in the press that some poor love was made ill by the sight of Simon. I thought I was major lols, but guys, it was a major fail. 

Simon Cowell causing nausea and sickness in the north east since 1959
The people and Kelly Clarkson (lord praise her) have taught us that ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.’ What they didn’t teach us is that it can also lead to some inexplicable publicity.

Some poor love in Sunderland has started suffering panic attacks whenever she sees Simon’s face. Her panic attacks are so frantic, so immense that the tabloids all the way down at Kingslanding have heard her pain and felt a desperate need to share it with the world. This is not at all a desperate attempt by the X Factor minions to get any type of coverage, no sir, not this time, not at all.

Can you just imagine the meeting?

PR 1 – Guys guys, Strictly is like totally beating us in the ratings ya, what can we do? ya.
PR 2 – Well they do have Alison Hammond.
PR 3 – Remember back at the start, how Simon was all like, the villain, and people were all like booooo, can we do that again ya?
PR 4 – Ya, lets completely ignore the fact that Bake Off and Strictly with their eternal optimism along with all the research that shows that in a recession, yes guys that is still going on, people tend to want positive reaffirming entertainment rather than cynical, joyless and snide programming that tells them that they are shit, their jobs are shit and that unless they put themselves in a position that privacy is only a pipe dream then their whole pointless existence is just shit.
PR 1 – Ya, I hear what your saying, but I really think that if we make it sound like people are scared of Simon then the masses will tune in.
PR 2 – How are our viewing figures in……the north. *lightning strike* *sound of Cilla slapping a waiter*
PR 3 – Bad.
PR 1 – Let’s make a fool out of someone in Sunderland, those yobs will lap it up.

Now what they wanted to achieve, heaven knows. Simon is actually kind of likeable, he goes to Harvester, do you go to Harvester? No you don’t. See, Simon is more of a person than you are. Maybe Cheryl made the whole thing up, maybe it’s actually true and Simon inviting Ms.Sunderland along to a recording is the equivalent of a huge rat inviting Lynda Robson round for a cuppa.

All and none of these things could be true. If Ms. Sunderland had expressed a level of anxiety when viewing Dappy we would have all nodded our heads, agreed and not felt a need to write this mess.

We’ve got a lot of pictures of Simon for you. Let us know in great detail how they make you feel.

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Some theatre reviews

This was a good one:

This one wasn’t:

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Life had become tough for Cherie. At an early age she’d met Winston the man of her dreams, married and had two beautiful children who are both overachieving at school.

She would have little to say when a cashier asked how her day was, she’d always reply ‘amazing’ and she always meant it. Cherie would go out to lunch with her girlfriends and as they complained about their nightmare children and cheating husbands, she would just sit their quietly, becoming a bored wallflower. Cherie was worried she’d have to take up baking or veganism to seem interesting, but thankfully the doctor had bad news and Cherie has contracted a terrible wasting disease.

The joy filled and content life of picking up her kids from their successful after school activities or attending another of her husband’s award ceremonies where he’d receive huge bonuses has now, thank the holy Jesus, been interrupted. She now spends days in  hospital appointments being  tested as she bleeds from her nails along with the constant fear that comes with living with a terrible wasting disease.

‘Thankfully I now have something to talk about when I go out to lunch.’ Cherie boasted.

Cherie is no longer able to enjoy her pleasant tennis lessons with Tod on a Thursday or Yoga classes twice a week. Days not with doctors shaking their heads in confusion and weeping are now spent on a variety of daytime TV sofa’s talking about how she now cries bones and births a sack of flesh every third day.

Her friends are also keen to compliment this transformation. ‘Cherie was really devoid of personality, but, with this new terrible wasting disease I’m starting to like her. Also, she’s lost a ton of weight.’ Said Norris, one of Cherie’s old university friends.

This terrible wasting disease is also helping those Cherie has never met. Larry from Cincinnati, saw Cherie’s plight on Wake Up With Wendy. ‘I was so moved by what Cherie has achieved with the little time she has left that I had to do something. I’ve signed up a marathon and now I’ve gone from just nodding during conversations to having a constant topic to talk endlessly about.’

It’s hard to believe, but Cherie has even found time to set up a charity to help those with the same wasting disease. 

‘I’m really hoping my children will be able to take full advantage of my new charity, Cherie for Life, especially my daughter, she’s showing signs of being as dull as I was.’

Cherie’s book, Wasting Diseases Aren’t a Waste of Time, is available at all good retailers.

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Cereal Cafe

A lot of fuss has been made about Cereal Killers, the cereal cafe that recently opened in Shoreditch. I met the guys who run it, they’re ace, the idea is ace, everything is ace.

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Where will you die in the office?

We’ve all considered taking our lives before, during and after a slog at the office. But where is the best place? Thankfully HP has the answer.

A recent survey commissioned by HP and conducted by The International Funeral Society has found that the printer is most people’s preferred location of office death.

After extensive research it was discovered that employees no longer wanted to pass away in the peaceful dignity of the toilet cubicle as was previously thought. It was also discovered that more violent acts such as carrying a Ruger LCR into the office and ‘taking the team with you’ is now considered passé. Surprisingly it is also now thought ‘uncool’ to fall asleep in meetings and die whilst mumbling all the reasons you hate Jeanne from finance.

In a day and age where paperless offices are helping the fight against global warming the printer has become a a place of solitude. Printers, once the heart of every office are now a location where colleagues and senior management alike can stand and reflect on their terrible life choices alone until death eventually takes them in its cold lonely grasp.

Tessa from HR said ‘Yes, we’ve found a greater number collapsed decomposed meat sacks over the printer. Thankfully it’s a wipe clean surface and we’re not back in the dark days when team members would bring a sword to fall upon, the carpets were ruined.’

‘On a HP Officejet Pro X476DW, that would be going out in style.’ Tory from reception.

In a close second was making the stationary cupboard into a Matilda inspired ‘chokey’ and at third place was lift sabotage. In China the classic roof jump is still in vogue.

A representative from HP ‘We are always happy to discover that people are still using our products. However HP is committed to to decreasing the level of on printer deaths and has  partnered with Facebook so that pictures of loved ones will also be printed alongside your usual printer needs.

We have discontinued the MFP 8610 after a substantial reports of pictures of ex lovers getting married increased in office mortality rates.’

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the HIV article

This was written for HIV awareness week and unintentionally managed to annoy a number of people.  I hoped to send the message that wearing a condom would help lower the stress of a regular STI check by giving an account of a time I really thought I was in for a life of medication. Some people thought I was calling people with HIV stupid and that I was arrogant and should never write again. It wasn’t my happiest week on twitter.

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How to get away with murder

People on the whole are terrible and no one would blame you for wanting to get away with removing a few from this mortal coil. Unfortunately ‘the man’ thinks otherwise. So don’t get caught. Here are top tips on how to get away with murder.

1.) Wear your victims skin

We’ve all heard the saying about walking in another mans Uggs or whatever so why not take some time after you’ve crushed the life from a living being to get to know them by walking a mile in their skin.

Be sure to sit dow for a meal with their parents or loved one, this valuable time in their former familie’s warm embrace could possibly help your alibi later. Also, you might get pie. Unfortunately for you face cutters out there leaving the visage intact is vital for this to work.

2.)Satanic ritual

A satanic ritual can be very helpful, but be careful. Sure, calling forth the great and mighty Pishacha to eat away the dead flesh removes the body quickly, but if you accidentally call on Beritha and you’re not wearing your silver ring you’re going to be in for a less than ideal evening.

3.)Murder someone near another murder

It’s basic maths, by being near another murder you’re cutting the chances of you getting caught in half and doubling theirs.

4.) Have a friend of non-white origin

Double points if they’re called Adnan

5.)Continue murdering

You’re on a roll so do. not. stop.

If you think someone knows what you’ve done, kill them. If someone looks at you the wrong way, slice ‘em. A curious child down the street? Drown it. Gossiping Mrs. McArthy, she has to go too. Make sure to erase the bloodlines of the lives you’ve touched. No one can know the awful things you’ve done.

Apart from God, he always knows.

6.)Start a museum to your victims

We’ve all heard about hiding in plain site, the police will never suspect you, you could earn some money and the community gets a new gift shop. Everyone’s a winner.

7.)Find hedges to hide behind

The police can’t see people hiding in hedges. Fact.

8.) Food

Not all people are terrible, some people are actually alright. Sadly not everyone has access to food. Why not volunteer at a local soup kitchen or food bank and serve up your very own Sweeney Todd style canned meat. It might not be original but it worked for him and will work for you too.

9.) Be patient

People tend to go on a bit of a witch hunt when a young person, or as the media would have you say, “child” is killed. So, although your victim surely deserves to die, wait until he or she is claiming their pension then the wider world will care less.

10.) Not telling you

It’s my plan

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The Cow Play – Review

The Cow Play is terrible, the performances weren’t:

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The Bake Off and Korea

The Bake Off, one of Britain’s greatest creations came and went this year and I wrote about it for most weeks. Some weeks I had other things to do like being out on the town, finding my inner sassy and some such. You can read what I wrote over at the lovely eqview.

I also saw a bunch of Koreans beat the shit out of each other for folks at Sosogay, it. was. hilarious.

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