Where will you die in the office?

I threw these words together after reading far too much Click Hole showing that I am both adaptable and HILARIOUS.

We’ve all considered taking our lives before, during and after a slog at the office. But where is the best place? Thankfully HP has the answer.

A recent survey commissioned by HP and conducted by The International Funeral Society has found that the printer is most people’s preferred location of office death.

After extensive research it was discovered that employees no longer wanted to pass away in the peaceful dignity of the toilet cubicle as was previously thought. It was also discovered that more violent acts such as carrying a Ruger LCR into the office and ‘taking the team with you’ is now considered passé. Surprisingly it is also now thought ‘uncool’ to fall asleep in meetings and die whilst mumbling all the reasons you hate Jeanne from finance.

In a day and age where paperless offices are helping the fight against global warming the printer has become a a place of solitude. Printers, once the heart of every office are now a location where colleagues and senior management alike can stand and reflect on their terrible life choices alone until death eventually takes them in its cold lonely grasp.

Tessa from HR said ‘Yes, we’ve found a greater number collapsed decomposed meat sacks over the printer. Thankfully it’s a wipe clean surface and we’re not back in the dark days when team members would bring a sword to fall upon, the carpets were ruined.’

‘On a HP Officejet Pro X476DW, that would be going out in style.’ Tory from reception.

In a close second was making the stationary cupboard into a Matilda inspired ‘chokey’ and at third place was lift sabotage. In China the classic roof jump is still in vogue.

A representative from HP ‘We are always happy to discover that people are still using our products. However HP is committed to to decreasing the level of on printer deaths and has  partnered with Facebook so that pictures of loved ones will also be printed alongside your usual printer needs.

We have discontinued the MFP 8610 after a substantial reports of pictures of ex lovers getting married increased in office mortality rates.’