A few years ago (just before I took a break from writing) I was commissioned to write a travel piece for adults about to visit the happiest place on Earth. I love Disney, adults and the amount of attention that getting published in The Guardian gave me. Ideal work really. I was also commissioned to write a quiz about Marvel Cinematic Universe for The Guardian but it seems to have been lost to the sands of time which is a shame really, there was a great Doctor Strange joke in there.
I was given a brief to write a best man’s speech for a wedding that shouldn’t happen. This is what I wrote. I did not hear from the brief giver again. Enjoy!
Sally. Jack. I am so honoured to be here today and to be able to give you this speech.
I can’t tell you how nervous I am. I’m not a fan of public speaking but I would do anything for you. Literally. Do you need me to grab you a drink before I go on? An extra cushion? Anything?
What a year it’s been. So much happened. So many changes. In all our lives. But this here today is a moment of light in a year of darkness. We’re the ones who survived. The ones you’ve chosen to celebrate this day with you.
We love you both.
I love you both!
This is such a beautiful setting. A stunning, really astoundingly gothic castle. The decorations are just perfect. So many goats. Lots of goats. I can’t stop thinking about them.
Let’s all take a moment to look around this room [gesture at the room] and breathe it in. So many beautiful smiles radiating peace. Our tribe. So much love. Whatever you’ve done, or will do, know we love you.
But it’s not just those here with us today that’ve made you who you are. I want to take a moment to talk about those who can’t be here.
Your parents who died in a car crash leaving the family fortune to you and your sister. So sad.
Jolene, your sister, who was found hanging by her feet, her inner meat on the outside. Just all over the place. Who would have thought so much intestine could come out of someone so two dimensional?
Jim and Tommy. Hurled down a pit.
Ronny and the goat
We love you so much more than they did. They were disgusting.
We want to thank you for cementing a union which from its very beginning has been a glorious force for blood and murder across the world. Some of us remember when you were merely names on message boards. Back then you were ideas and ideals, on the cusp of action. Together you propelled each other to make your nightmare come true.
We bask in what you have created. This cult. This joyous, murder cult.
Tonight you must choose two of us to die and wet your wedding bed. I just want to say it should be Kasandra, her coke habit’s made her intolerable and I can’t listen to hear speak about emotional vibrations one more GOD. DAMN TIME.
Second, I really think, with all my soul that belongs to you, that Tom is another great choice for a sacrifice. Just look at him. He’s a shit. Totally unnecessary.
Finally lets all raise a glass to you, our true leaders, the perfect couple for maiming and madness. We are eternally grateful you have come together to show us this new way of living and all of us that make it through the night [remember to look pointedly at Kasandra and Tom].
To the happy couple! All hail the goat.
I threw these words together after reading far too much Click Hole showing that I am both adaptable and HILARIOUS.
We’ve all considered taking our lives before, during and after a slog at the office. But where is the best place? Thankfully HP has the answer.
A recent survey commissioned by HP and conducted by The International Funeral Society has found that the printer is most people’s preferred location of office death.
After extensive research it was discovered that employees no longer wanted to pass away in the peaceful dignity of the toilet cubicle as was previously thought. It was also discovered that more violent acts such as carrying a Ruger LCR into the office and ‘taking the team with you’ is now considered passé. Surprisingly it is also now thought ‘uncool’ to fall asleep in meetings and die whilst mumbling all the reasons you hate Jeanne from finance.
In a day and age where paperless offices are helping the fight against global warming the printer has become a a place of solitude. Printers, once the heart of every office are now a location where colleagues and senior management alike can stand and reflect on their terrible life choices alone until death eventually takes them in its cold lonely grasp.
Tessa from HR said ‘Yes, we’ve found a greater number collapsed decomposed meat sacks over the printer. Thankfully it’s a wipe clean surface and we’re not back in the dark days when team members would bring a sword to fall upon, the carpets were ruined.’
‘On a HP Officejet Pro X476DW, that would be going out in style.’ Tory from reception.
In a close second was making the stationary cupboard into a Matilda inspired ‘chokey’ and at third place was lift sabotage. In China the classic roof jump is still in vogue.
A representative from HP ‘We are always happy to discover that people are still using our products. However HP is committed to to decreasing the level of on printer deaths and has partnered with Facebook so that pictures of loved ones will also be printed alongside your usual printer needs.
We have discontinued the MFP 8610 after a substantial reports of pictures of ex lovers getting married increased in office mortality rates.’
In response to “Six sex and love lessons straight couples can learn from gay relationships,” by esteemed sex column veteran Tracey Cox I wrote about the seven things straight people could actually learn about from us gays for Vice.
Is this a page I want to publish? Is this a page you want to read? I don’t think anyone has the answer. No one.
Here is where I’m going to post all the links to the dregs of my writing I find across the internet. Some bits are not great and other bits are.
FS Magazine is a sexual health publication but with swears. I had a blast writing for them even though the topics included the gay mental health crisis (this was written a number of years ago and thankfully feels out of date now) and how to stay safe on Grindr.
Vada was (is?) a gay lifestyle website that was (is?) set to rival the big boys like Attitude and Gay Times. I loved writing reviews and silly think pieces for them and when the editor decided to move on the pastures new I followed him on his journey across the internet to now defunct websites. Some highlights included the still relevant Animal Crossing bit, an adorable little insight into why I love Zelda so much and this oddly prescient take on Batfleck (yes we’re going back that far.) It also includes my take on a Bake Off recap that I was really proud of at the time but might not have aged well and I don’t dare look.