I was given a brief to write a best man’s speech for a wedding that shouldn’t happen. This is what I wrote. I did not hear from the brief giver again. Enjoy!
Sally. Jack. I am so honoured to be here today and to be able to give you this speech.
I can’t tell you how nervous I am. I’m not a fan of public speaking but I would do anything for you. Literally. Do you need me to grab you a drink before I go on? An extra cushion? Anything?
What a year it’s been. So much happened. So many changes. In all our lives. But this here today is a moment of light in a year of darkness. We’re the ones who survived. The ones you’ve chosen to celebrate this day with you.
We love you both.
I love you both!
This is such a beautiful setting. A stunning, really astoundingly gothic castle. The decorations are just perfect. So many goats. Lots of goats. I can’t stop thinking about them.
Let’s all take a moment to look around this room [gesture at the room] and breathe it in. So many beautiful smiles radiating peace. Our tribe. So much love. Whatever you’ve done, or will do, know we love you.
But it’s not just those here with us today that’ve made you who you are. I want to take a moment to talk about those who can’t be here.
Your parents who died in a car crash leaving the family fortune to you and your sister. So sad.
Jolene, your sister, who was found hanging by her feet, her inner meat on the outside. Just all over the place. Who would have thought so much intestine could come out of someone so two dimensional?
Jim and Tommy. Hurled down a pit.
Ronny and the goat
We love you so much more than they did. They were disgusting.
We want to thank you for cementing a union which from its very beginning has been a glorious force for blood and murder across the world. Some of us remember when you were merely names on message boards. Back then you were ideas and ideals, on the cusp of action. Together you propelled each other to make your nightmare come true.
We bask in what you have created. This cult. This joyous, murder cult.
Tonight you must choose two of us to die and wet your wedding bed. I just want to say it should be Kasandra, her coke habit’s made her intolerable and I can’t listen to hear speak about emotional vibrations one more GOD. DAMN TIME.
Second, I really think, with all my soul that belongs to you, that Tom is another great choice for a sacrifice. Just look at him. He’s a shit. Totally unnecessary.
Finally lets all raise a glass to you, our true leaders, the perfect couple for maiming and madness. We are eternally grateful you have come together to show us this new way of living and all of us that make it through the night [remember to look pointedly at Kasandra and Tom].
To the happy couple! All hail the goat.